So I find it interesting that I fing most women attractive and few men attractive. As much as I believe in equality across genders, it breaks my brain to think about why I have a personal preference that seems to ignore that equality. Looking at what I find attractive and unattractive, I find it interesting most unattractive to me are the the characteristics of socially constructed gender.

I tend to prefer men who have some degree of femininity, or have psychological characteristics that are typically feminine. M. (who I see as physically feminine) and R. (who I see as psychologically feminine) are two examples.

Women, on the other hand, drive me batty if they're too feminine, or are caught up in the constructs of the 'feminine' such as makeup, 36D's, and constantly deferring to their male partners. I tend to prefer women who have a (traditonally) masculine way of being, and a more-masculine-than-feminine-but-not-too-masculine look about them. For instance, I think S. is hot, but Dr. M. just isn't my cup of tea. S., to me, is in that category of men with just enough feminine.

Feminine (but not effeminate) men and masculine (but not butch) women. I guess I like people who defy gender conventions without trying to hard to oppose them outright.
  ¶ 07:36

 
I'm not sure if I consider myself bi as much as I prefer to let my criteria for attraction work for themselves. To me, the important thing is that the person can hold up an intelligent conversation and leans more toward the middle of the gender continuum that sitting on an end. Those characteristics aren't predicated by a cock or a pussy...

If that's 'bi' then I guess I am.
  ¶ 07:33

 
Zicam, which I started the night the symptoms began.
Wellness Formula Herbal Defense Complex from Source Naturals.
Gatorade for hydration.
Of course, the antibiotic probably didn't hurt.
Nor did sleeping for most of the day Friday.
I'm feeling hundreds of times better in less than forty-eight hours. Still a little sniffly, my head feels like it's got a lot of fluid in it, but I feel a lot better.

Depression
Last night kinda sucked. I wasn't feeling at 100% and was missing being home. Feeling all alone, and reverberating in my head was J.'s e-mail about how healthy touch is. I had a realization that except for a hug from Molly after drinks a week or so ago, I've not had any physical contact with people besides the occasional handshake. That didn't help my mood. The apartment was hot, the bed uncomfortable, and I just wasn't terribly tired. I was awake until about 2am, ruminating on how depressing it was in LA. Not a fun night. I'm better now, after half a night's sleep.

  ¶ 10:30

 
Thursday night, after seeing Godard's "A Woman is a Woman" at the NuArt, I started getting that strange little tickle in the back of my throat and a lump of phlegm that just wouldn't move. Picked up some Zicam on the way home (a lot of people out here swear by it) and started treatment.

Woke up Friday feeling very drained, but needed to do laundry and run a couple errands. Spent a bunch of time dealing with production issues that popped up (see "This is why I hate actors") and tried to nap between phone calls. Went out to grab lunch at about 3:30, came back to the apartment and slept some more.

I hate being sick away from home. I hate having to work when I'm sick. I prefer to just sleep for three days and get over it rather than prolong it be keeping active while it's going on.

I can't tell if it's hot out, or if I'm feverish. I'm achy and tired, and hope that a good night sleep will put most of this behind me.
  ¶ 20:03

 
So for one of the supporting roles in the film, we're trying to get Gary Busey.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday dealing with issues about that. Now scheduling conflicts are one thing, and to be expected, but his demands are just freaky as hell.

• He needs to approve all his wardrobe. He went so far as to give the director a list of things he will and will not wear.
• He wants his own makeup artist at $500/day. We're paying our makeup artist for the show $450/week.
• He needs his own trailer.
• He wants to select the trailer and the driver.
• He needs an exclusive ride to and from set every day.
• He wants to shot in order.
• He doesn't act, he becomes.
• His pay is 50% of our budget.

Get over yourself.
  ¶ 09:03

 
J. forwarded a note about the hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction. If you went to the European Google site and typed in "Weapons of Mass Destruction", this displayed. Apparently it was a hack? I'm not sure if it's still there or not...

Fun, nonetheless.  ¶ 10:29

 
The last few nights have been difficult sleeping in L.A. Ever hear of good sleeping weather? We've got bad sleeping weather. At least in my apartment.

All the windows in the place are on the same side of the apartment, so there's no air circulation. The windows are three feet high, and up against the ceiling. If I put a fan high enough to reach the window, there's no breeze blowing on me, and the cold air never seems to fall. If I have the fan low enough to blow on me, it blows warm air.

The mattress in incredibly lumpy, and the only thing that prevents it from being awful is a sheet of eggcrate...which of course disspates no body heat.

I've taken to smearing biofreeze on myself to cool myself long enough to go to sleep. And a shot or two of vodka. And then laying awake for hours, finally getting to sleep about one or two in the morning and getting up at six. I'm wearing out.
  ¶ 17:06

 
So M. invited me to a party at her friend's house on the 4th. The night was refreshingly cool, and the Bel Air Beach club launches fireworks just in front of the deck, so we got a great view of the festivities. A cover band played Beach Boys tunes...quite surreally fitting to the situation.

The company was acceptable, all Hollywood types who knew each other form various projects. A very incestuous crowd in the sense of what they've worked on.

The most scintillating conversation was with a frind of C.'s who was a Women's Studies and French student at UCLA and was in the thick of a class in which she was reading Baudrillard. We talked about post-modernism and film and that was fun.

Now if I had to live in California, I'd need to live in a place like this to make the place somewhat more palatable. No one has yards to speak of, but there's a lot of vegatation, and well, with the view, does it really matter?

M. asked if she wrote a house like this into a deal memo, would I move out to CA? I told her that if it were a three bedroom, with all three bedrooms facing the ocean, I'd consider it.

She's working on it.


The house



The living room



The view from the deck

  ¶ 17:33