So J. mentioned this AM that I've been less communicative than normal. I know I have been due to particularly extenuating circumstances over the past three weeks. Schedules aside, it's been strange transitioning back to Milwaukee. There's been a lot of stuff going on in my head. Mostly questions, few answers. Here's the short list. There's a lot of short lists on this blog, aren't there? In no particular order...

The Hand Job
I'm still dealing with THJ crap for M. In addition, I'm still dealing with a lot of fallout fom having left early. Basically, M.'s pissed that I left early (though she never told me we were pushing and that I needed to change my schedule), and frustrated about the whole situation that she and J. got themselves into by gambling with the Busey-money-thing. I'm just a convenient scapegoat for a lot of stuff that I have no control over.

Part of me recognizes that this is the way M. deals with stuff (I've seen it on a smaller scale, nothing this big, though), and once everything's back to normal, everything will be back to normal, so I'm mostly nodding and smiling. On the flipside, I'm being asked to 'handle' things without proper support (e.g., access to files, which are in L.A., information about deals, etc.) so it ends up looking like I'm dropping the ball even though I'm doing the best I can do with what I have.

It's frustrating, and ongoing.

McGuire's Film(s)
I'm a little peeved that VJ's not finished yet, but on the other hand, I'm not paying an editor. I really want that to be done. Then I'm also considering what to do with it. Where to sell it. How to sell it. Self-distribution to recoup costs, or hold out for a deal from a real distributor? Where's the money to pay for the marketing (in either case) going to come from?

And the same body of questions for "The In-Between Girl". I'm also struggling with IBG for a number of artistic reasons. Brian's doing a lot of his funky angles and compositions which make it less commercially viable than VJ. I don't want the film to fall flat because the visual style gets in the way of the storytelling, which is a very real concern to me. Because a good chunk of the film was already shot prior to my return to town, and reshooting was not an option, we had to make the rest of the film match what'd already been shot.

When shooting, I challenged Brian's vision on some of the more 'out there' shots, so there's some tension going on there. While I'm overall satisfied with what we've shot, I still have some concerns about the overall marketability of the project, and it's hard for me to just hold back and let the film be what it is as Brian edits. So that's been going on.

Work
This one's the big one. Or Big Ones. So many questions.

First and foremost is how to generate more income. It's incredibly difficult to watch J. pass on a dream job because I'm not making enough money yet. I'm working on the Model Woman website to sell a few copies and publicize it. I'm trying to get more and more of my work listed on IMdb so I have more credibility. I'm trying to balance paid freelance gigs with feature work that's less lucrative, but gets me closer to my career goals. It's hard.

So there's all that overriding stuff, and on top of it, there were some specific things going on in the past few weeks that have made thinking about it all the more difficult. First was the Green Bay film. What to do? Should I take it or not? Another Hollywood connection, but it's away from home for two months after just getting back. Pays next to nothing, but it's good networking.

LRC. What to do? I want out, Kattman's not being very good about making time to talk. There's stuff happening that I'm not terribly motivated to do, but have committed to (editing the photo CD, budgeting the Osama Show), and right now, have no time to do. If we part ways, what's an equitable settlement? How can I still have editing flexibility for Bartoli without getting farther into debt?

Harley. This Io Donna coordination was surprisingly stressful. I wanted to make a good show of it for the networking opportunity. I was torn about taking the gig myself because I'd had nothing booked, or passing it along to someone for when all my shooting gigs come through. Alas, no shooting gigs are coming through. A lot of the freelancers in town (myself included) had kind of counted on Harley as a huge influx of cash to help get through the winter, but as of right now, I've got no Harley gigs on the hook for myself. I took a gamble that went 'wrong' and I'm not terribly happy about it. Not that Bartoli is in BAD financial straits, but there's debt, and I would have liked to have had a lot more cash flow this fall in case I needed it for an editing system. I'm ruminating on that...not sure if I'm quite stressing yet, not even concerned, just overly cautious about spending money right now and wishing I didn't have to be. See above about making more money.

Volume. I'm still trying to catch up from being in L.A. with my personal work and local things. On top of all the admin stuff like bookkeeping, marketing, etc., I'm trying to develop scripts and course materials, and find it frustrating that J. can't help more. See above about making more money. There's so much to do, not enough time to do it all, and not enough people to help me. That's starting to get to be a problem. I need to commit to working ten to twelve hour days or cut back on what I'm doing. Or find some way to hire someone. And that's another series of questions I'm having problems answering.

I'm not able to get any of my work done, and I'm starting to feel a greater and greater need to express myself through writing, filmmaking, sculpture, music...but day-to-day gets in the way of making that happen. I'm falling out of balance and finding it hard to get back. That's a side effect from LA. I'm still used to working 14+ hours a day...I'm not adjusting well to being back on an 8 hour workday.

On top of that, I had a week and a half of shooting for Brian and work for SP that had me working long, tiring days. Long and tiring enough that I didn't have a few spare moments to shop and do basic household stuff.

Heat
I hate the heat. These past few weeks have been absolutely awful. Despite cold showers, ice packs, lots of fluid and doing what I can to stay cool, I still find myself completely miserable. Most often it's just mild dizziness, but this summer had me on the verge of migraine more often than I remember. Often, I just needed to sit still and wait for it to pass.

When I wasn't dealing with that, I had some wierd queasiness from drinking too much water. Ever since our last e. experience, I've had that a lot, and I need to recondition myself to get over that. Basically, I get nauseuos because I've drunk too much water...it's mostly that too-full nausea, but with a hint of something else I can't quite put my finger on.

When I wasn't dealing with that, there's the whole issue of just being physically uncomfortable. I have maybe ten minutes sitting in one spot before the body surface in contact with the chair, bed, whatever just gets uncomfortable needles-and-pins and sticky. I have to move. It's bad enough that I have a hard time sitting through a movie...even in air conditioning. You know it's bad when I'm not up for movie watching.

So there's this vicious cycle where I can't get comfortable, my mind reels with all the other non-heat-related stuff, and I just can't sit still...I get restless, I need to get out, get up, do something other than work (e.g., Yahoo Games is my friend), try to get out and write some personal stuff instead of proposals and budgets and "i'm sorry your check's not there yet" e-mails.

When I'm this consistenly uncomfortable, my regular coping and control mechanisms get shot to hell, and I the REST of the bullshit and frustrations I deal with on a day-to-day basis bubble to the surface and I have a hard time just turning them off for an evening. That's the other thing that happens.

Duplices
J. had an idea to get a duplex, live in one half, rent the other half out, and reduce our monthly living expenses. I had this idea about just getting a duplex and renting BOTH out and not having to move. So what does that mena and how does that affect our lifestyle? I've been running numbers in my mind for a few weeks. Trying to figure out how doable it is.

Long term? Wonderful. Short term? Who knows. Once the properties are paid off, it's pure income. Until then, though...it's a cash drain. Tax writeoff, but no major income coming in. Or is there? If you get the right property, make the right deal, get the right tenants...I've been crunching all those different scenarios in my head to see how that can help us achieve our financial goals.

Sleepless in Milwaukee
Heat discomfort, contact-with-surfaces discomfort and my mind racing about bunches of things aren't too conducive to sleeping. I was whipped when I got home from LA because I hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks, and I think I've not yet caught up from that. I'm constantly feeling tired and worn down, and could sleep for days if uninterrupted. I may need to do that sometime soon, if I can get caught up with everything. But then, when I'm this far behind, I end up thinking about everything I need to do instead of sleeping, and get caught up in that stupid hypnagogic feedback loop where I'm not quite asleep but can't quite stop obsessing about whether or not I made all the calls I needed to for the next day. I solved that problem in LA by working until I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. That's not something I choose to do here in Milwaukee.

I also realized that I sleep better in cold. When it's in the sixties in the bedroom I get my best sleep. Unfortunately, I can't keep the AC as low as I'd like it all the time, or I'd drive J. out into the warm.

Harleys
I hate Harleys. Since last weekend, I have a visceral disdain for all things cycle. Not sure what that's about, but I'm sure it's some residual side effect of the accident, even if nothing more than resentment for the accident taking my weekend away from me.

I'm having a hard time staying my normal, cheerful self when I'm hearing their engines and am being surrounded by them on the road, so I tend to just clam up instead of being a royal prick to those around me who don't deserve getting broadsided by that. Bad coping mechanism, but given everything else that's going on right now, about the only one I have left.

Uncommunicative?
Yeah, I have been, and I apologize for that. Between being miserable from the heat, schedules (work and social), bad timing (last weekend, which I had set aside with nothing so J and I could hang out was sidetracked by a crazy cycle accident near the house) and everything I've needed to keep track of, think about or ruminate upon, I've been quite distracted of late.

I know that after this whole Harleyfest thing blows over, less cycles around, I'll get a lot calmer. Projects will wind to a close, I'll be able to meet with K, and figure out some closure there, and as invoices for the past few weeks start getting paid, I'll be stressing about money less.

It'll get cooler, I'll be more comfortable, and will be sleeping more. I'll be collaborating with M. and M. and maybe L. on projects, and be more fulfilled with my personal work.

I think the past month after getting back from LA was adjusting from LA pace and getting back into Milwaukee pace. I feel like I'm getting back there...I felt there late last week, then this week's schedule happened, and I was back in LA pacing for a few days with the SP video thing, and getting ready for Io Donna and my DWP shoot.

My plan for this weekend is to get caught up, relax, and sleep as much as I can if I'm not working.

By the end of the week, assuming the weather's decently cool, I should be more human.



  ¶ 17:21